2013 in Review

1. I figured out a few things about me personally that I am working on...books like "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst and "Grace for the Good Girl" by Emily Freeman have been eye opening & convicting. I am learning to Let Go & make Imperfect Progress!

2. We had fun trips with family this year! In May all four of us spent a week at a beach house off the the Oregon Coast with Ben's family. It was a surprise for my mother-in-law's birthday. Then, in December, we went to Disney World with my parents, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law & 2 nieces. This was the first time both of our families have been together since our wedding!

3. There was heartache. In May we lost my 27 week old nephew who was stillborn. I will never forget the night my mom called me to tell me that they couldn't find a heartbeat or my brother asking for prayer. That week was so hard with many tears - it was hard to not be in St. Louis with them, it was hard to grieve someone I never even met and it was super hard to know that my brother, sister-in-law & my niece were going through yet another hard time this year. I am looking forward to 2014 with them in mind & hoping/praying for a better year for them! In addition to my sweet nephew, Beckham, I grieved the loss of my last living grandparent - my paternal grandmother. The timing of her death overlapped with a work retreat I was privileged to attend so I wasn't able to go to her funeral in Ohio. It was hard to not be there, but I am thankful for technology and the ability for me to make a video message for the funeral.

4. Books! I finally read Anne of Green Gables. Evidently I missed that boat years ago! I enjoyed it and look forward to the other books in the series. I was also challenged by books like "Anything" by Jennie Allen and "Radical" by David Platt. 

5. This work retreat I mentioned above was such a special trip! I was invited, along with about 15 other Navigator women, to a "Navigators Emerging Women's Leadership Retreat" in a small Colorado mountain town. We got to stay in a beautiful home of one of our board members (who just so happens to be the same family that a college roommate of mine used to babysit for while we were at IU)!   All of us were invited by some leader in the Navs and they wanted us to have a refreshing/reflective/rejuvenating weekend with other women - many of whom we didn't know prior to the retreat.  I met some really, really neat women and was pampered, encouraged and loved on by some pretty cool leaders. I walked away from that retreat more convinced and affirmed in my role and call at The Navigators. The retreat came at a much needed time - right after the transition from Human Resources where I worked for the past 7 yrs and after a hard 2 - 3 years of stress and heavy workload.

6. This was the second year in a row that I got together with four girlfriends in Winter Park for a long weekend. We all were in a small group/Life Development Group when we all lived in St. Louis years ago. Fast forward about 10 years and only one of us still lives in STL, but we all have committed to getting together (all FIVE of us) at least once a year to hang out, pray, encourage, laugh and be real. Friendships like these are absolutely priceless.  There is no need to explain myself - they just "get" me. They know more about me than I sometimes remember myself. Our daily lives often look very different - single, married, kids, no kids & add to that 5 distinct personalities, and somehow it just works. God knew what he was doing when he put the 5 of us together for such a short season in STL.

7. NINE years of marriage! Ben & I celebrated 9 years this past October. While it wasn't anything fancy, just dinner out without kids, it was nice. The past 5 years have been filled with newborn babies, toddlers and crazy work schedules so there hasn't been a lot of "us" time. To be brutally honest, we didn't "love" the newborn era with kids. Don't get me wrong we love our kids more than anything but that phase wasn't a whole lot of fun and games. We really like this "next phase" with kids that can now dress themselves, go to the bathroom on their own, and turn on the TV in morning so we can get a few extra zzzz's!

8.  Health! Ben and I have been really working hard at eating more healthy and exercising more. We started doing the Shaun T. Insanity workout in 2012 and did it 2 times after that. This year we added another one - T25! With our crazy busy schedule, T25 fits us so much better. The workouts go by so fast!I Along with working out and eating we have been using Advocare products and have really noticed a difference. My brother introduced us to these products and we fell in love with them. Seriously good stuff! If you are curious about these products, let me know!

9. Authentic relationships. I desire more than ever to develop relationships with other women that get to the heart issues. The older I get, the more I am aware of life and its ups and downs and the importance of getting to the real "stuff" of life.  Superficial relationships just leave something to be desired. I am praying through some ways to engage and develop relationships I already have and how that may look in relation to my crazy schedule of being a wife, a mom, working and involvement at my church. I recently started being mentored/coached by a pretty neat lady who has a lot more life experience in the areas of motherhood, ministry and marriage. Such a blessing!

A Life Story...

This is what I wrote for my Grammy's funeral this past July.

Each of our lives is a story unfolding.  In a story there are good chapters and well, not so good chapters, yet in every story there are characters.  When my story is complete, it will not be without mention of the beloved people in my life that helped shape and mold me into the woman I am - many of whom are in this room today. One of the special characters in my story is Grammy Watts.

I didn't have the privilege of growing up in the same house during childhood so when I think of my childhood and my family, one of the first thoughts that comes to my mind is Grammy's house. That beautiful blue house at the top of the hill on Walnut Street. The ride to her house was an adventure in itself. Brad and I still refer to it as the roller coaster road. I don't know exactly what it was about that house that always beckoned me home; maybe it was the fact that it was my dad's childhood home and he and my mom started dating while dad lived in that house; maybe it was the smell of the pine wood floors (I think they were pine); maybe it was all the wonderful antique furniture that held a glimpse into the past; maybe it was the smell of toast in the morning and the sweet taste of Grammy's strawberry jam; or simply the fact that it was in a small town.  Whatever it was, I will always remember walking in the back door at Grammy's house and finding her sitting on the couch in the family room (with that monstrous console TV), doing her crossword puzzles. She seriously could have authored crossword puzzles herself after all those years!

As I think of Grammy today, a flood of memories come; all of the card games we played as an extended family gathered around the kitchen table, the Christmas plays, all of the family sleeping in every nook & cranny in that old house and learning phrases from Grammy like, "Oh Frost!".  A recent favorite memory of mine was visiting Grammy at her apartment in Indiana nearly 10 years ago. I was in the area for a college friends wedding and stayed with Grammy. It was just she and I that night - which was rare. That weekend happened to be only one week after I went on my first date with Ben. I remember talking to her about this special "boy". I told her all about him and she asked if I thought he may be the "One". Sure enough, he was and I'm thankful I got to share that special moment with her. Although, later, when she finally got to meet him, she made the comment that he "looked" Jewish even after I already told her that we met at our church! That was Grammy - always speaking her mind. :)

I will also cherish all the handmade gifts: ceramic bunnies, Christmas ornaments engraved with her initials and the pillows she made for me that have "Love Grammy" stitched on the back, one of which is now on my daughter's bed.

So, Grammy, here's to your long and legacy - filled life! Your story is now complete. My hope and prayer is that one day my story may leave a legacy of love for those around me - just like yours.

Waldo Canyon Anniversary

Waldo Canyon Burn Scar taken from our church property

So, I noticed it has been over a year since I last blogged. Where in the world did the last year go?!?!?!?  Sold house, bought house, destructive wildfire, young kids, work, trips, yada, yada, yada. I was contemplating the other day on the Waldo Canyon Fire anniversary and am reminded that everyone has their story from that day and so many stories are much more heartbreaking than mine (actually mine is not really heartbreaking so much as an experience I will not forget). Not too long after the fire last year, my work held a seminar for processing trauma. The only thing we did during that time was sit at round tables and let everyone share their version of that day.  Sometimes all we need to do is just talk through events and take comfort that others are right there with you, experiencing the same thing.

And so, here is my story....Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I remember that day so vividly. The temperature for the previous days set records for summer heat and we didn't have AC. My work property was evacuated the Saturday before as the fire was already a threat to Navigator property. That Monday and Tuesday about 40 or so "essential" personnel were temporarily stationed up at Focus on The Family's campus trying to serve our thousands of staff around the world. I joked to some co-workers, "aren't we all essential"?  Anyways, that morning, I dropped the kids off at our sitter's house and went to work at Focus.  We tried to maintain a "business as normal" approach that day. Easier said than done. We constantly checked the latest with our Eagle Lake Camp property and the imminent threat to the acres of land The Navigator's had at camp for the past 50 yrs. 

Later that afternoon, around 4pm, I left Focus and headed to pick up the kids. I had no idea what was beyond those doors. It had been hazy all day with the smoke from the fire, but that afternoon was different. There was so much smoke and wind, I could barely see. As I drove south on the interstate, I saw an ominous dark cloud and little specks of orange on the mountainside. I seriously remember thinking the gates of hell must've just opened. I silently cried out, "Lord have mercy!" By the time I got toward the neighborhood of Rockrimmon, the entire northwest mountainside was on fire. My heart was racing.  I will never forget sitting at a red light at the intersection of Vindicator and Centennial. Cops had two of the roads already blocked and the only traffic were the cars lined up in the opposite direction heading away from the fire.  These were cars that were packed with belongings - many of which were the only belongings those people would have left.  Our sitter lives in a neighborhood just on the other side of Centennial, in Pinon Valley. When I pulled up to her house, she already had her front door open, with a perfect view of the fireball coming down the mountainside.  I realize, now that if I had come from Navigator property, like normal, I wouldn't have been able to get to the sitter's house to pick up the kids.  Unbeknownst to me they had already blocked off traffic going north on Centennial at 30th.

After I picked up the kids, I headed home in the opposite direction since I needed to pick up a prescription at the Safeway in Rockrimmon. The woman behind the pharmacy counter made a comment that she was waiting for someone to tell the whole store to evacuate. I remember a few friends calling and I remember Ben and I trying to talk multiple times but the cell phones kept cutting out or not connecting. At one point I had to use the pharmacy land line to try to get ahold of Ben. He was supposed to work until 11:30pm that night but he said they just sent everyone home. Normally it would not take Ben more than 5 minutes to get home from work. That night it took him nearly an hour. When I finally got home, I left the kids buckled in their seats and headed inside to grab all important belongings.

Now, up to this point, we were not in any type of evacuation area. Right after the fire started that previous Saturday, I told a few friends that I was going to start a list just in case. Needless to say, I never got around to making that list.  I was naïve and didn't want to go to any trouble to make a list and/or actually start packing anything up. After all, I had two young kids and our townhome was under contract to sell. Back to packing...I didn't even know where to begin. My mind was so foggy, adrenaline was kicking in and I couldn't think straight so I just started grabbing. I did manage to grab a few essential things, a few memory boxes/scrapbooks and important papers. Between the trips to the car and the ash falling from the sky, I got more scared by the moment. I kept thinking, why isn't Ben home?!?! After only fifteen minutes, I somehow managed to fill up my car. Thankfully a neighbor across the street assisted me with loading the car as he could see I was struggling and panicked. After all, I had two kids and our cat to take care of and no idea where Ben was and no way to get in touch with him! And so I waited and waited.  Once Ben got home and realized that I was freaking out and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep in our house that night with ash falling, he went along and left with me. Luckily he went back in the house to grab a few more clothes for himself. He tried to go up into the attic above the garage to retrieve the cat carrier, but after about two minutes and over 120+ heat up there, he gave up and we just put Beren in the backseat of one of the cars (that cat carrier really would've come in handy later).

I knew we had to leave but where would we go? We have no family in town and the friends we felt the most comfortable asking if we could stay, were more than likely to get evacuated as well.
So, we headed out. All we knew was that we needed to head east, away from the smoke and fire. I recall both of my parents trying to call me but the call never went through. Finally, they sent an email which I was able to read. Once they finally got a hold of me on the phone while driving, the first thing I said before I gave them any chance of responding, was "we are heading east"! Their response was "good, because we were gonna tell you to leave -we are watching it online". Gotta love parents - even though they were over 800 miles away, they knew what was going on and were telling me what to do. :)

So,we stopped at a Burger King on Fillmore, got food in the drive thru and ate in the car (remember, we had our cat and it was over 100 degrees). While eating in the car, I remember lots of phone calls from friends and co-workers.  I don't remember much except that people were offering for us to stay with them (I think we had around 8 offers), even people that I knew didn't have an extra room in their house.  In the back of my mind I was like, "who really can take a family of four and a cat?" WeI didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Finally a co-worker of mine called and said, "Christi - we have room, come stay with us". I was blown away in that moment, of community. What we didn't know at that moment was that nearly half our town was evacuating at the same moment and if you weren't evacuated yourself, you were housing evacuees.

So, we headed out east, far east. I didn't realize how long we had been in the car and all of the stoplights we hit until we were a few blocks from my co-worker's house and Livi threw up. Lovely. She gets carsick and with all the stop and go traffic, she got sick.  As soon as we got to the house and Ben got our cat out of the car, the cat wet all over and scratched Ben (cat was scared-that cat carrier would have been so helpful in that moment).  I literally remember standing on her driveway, saying, "Well, we made it.  Can we use your bathtub and washer?" Geesh! If that isn't a way to make yourself feel welcome...

The next few hours are a blur as we got settled in her basement and tried to keep answering all the phone calls, texts and emails from concerned friends and family all over the country. We saw glimpses of the news and the video of houses burning. Oh, the heartache. These were houses of friends and co-workers. We couldn't help but think of the status of our work buildings, too. Both Ben and my work buildings were very close to the fire. I knew I could still work from home if something happened but Ben could not.  That potential reality was too much to swallow.

We were so well taken care of at her house. We had the whole basement to her house - 2 bedrooms, a bathroom and a family room. It was like our own little apartment. Oh, and she had AC!. I remember feeling relief from the heat for the first time in about two weeks. It was around 11pm we got the call from the county stating we were being mandatory evacuated. I will not forget the man's voice on that recording. It was surreal. It was then that I started crying. Before we knew it, it was almost midnight. Livi had never slept out of a crib and guess who forgot to grab the pack-n-play? Yep, lovely. So, we tried having the kids sleep in the same bed. Needless to say that didn't work and each of us ended up in a bed with one of the kids.

I know that 20 years from now, I will remember laying in bed that night, talking and crying with Ben. I think I may have fallen asleep around 3am or so at best. My mind was spinning with thoughts of precious belongings forgotten - external hard drive with photos, baby books, important documents, photo albums, Ben's conch shell from his grandpa, etc. Even though our house was not in immediate danger that night, I couldn't help but prepare myself for the possibility. In those moments, Ben reminded me of what was really important - all of us were together and we were safe. Seriously - nothing more mattered. It was so hard to grasp that at the time, but it was absolutely true.

The next day I headed back to Focus and I knew the mood would be somber. Many co-workers there lost their homes, although nothing was confirmed yet.  That morning, though, the group sat around, prayed and sang a few hymns. We praised God for his protection thus far of Glen Eyrie and our HQ building. All we could do was sing and be together. I was torn because I wanted to be with Ben and the kids, but I knew I needed to be with people from work. 

So, as I look back on this past year, and particularly the past few weeks where all of these emotions have been brought back to the surface with the Black Forest Fire, I am amazed it has been a year. I drive daily up Flying W Ranch Road through Mountain Shadows and am encouraged by the new growth and new homes being built. I cannot help but think of all the suffering. I cannot help but think of the community and the bond we all share. I didn't lose my house that night a year ago and am so grateful, but many, many people I know did. It is not easy to journey alongside people through something like this. We are called to carry one another's burdens and I feel it more now than ever. One cannot help but wonder what is next and question it all. We all thought last year was a once in a lifetime experience and for it to happen again this year to an even greater extent is simply unfathomable.

Needless to say we are now more prepared to evacuate if, God forbid, we ever have to again. We have our list and I keep adding things to it daily. We have a wildfire mitigation meeting for our neighborhood in a few weeks at the nearby fire station. The threat is all too real but I am constantly  reminded that it is only the few items on our evacuation list that are really important. Really, when you think about everything in your house and break it down into two categories: replaceable vs what is not irreplaceable, it all only comes down to the history, the photos and belongings of your grandparents, your parents, your own childhood, your kids. Of all of the belongings in our house, all of the items on our list can fit in just two cars. It really puts everything in perspective and in a way forces us to release that tight grip on so many material things that are just that - things and they are replaceable.  I have thought of the story of Job more in the past year than ever before. Job had a good life and God stripped away everything that was precious to him - way more than just belongings in a house. What would I do if I lost things that are the most precious to me? How would I respond?

To give you an idea of how much everyone around here is on edge, we had a very dense smoke in the air after dusk a few nights ago. It was so eerie as the sky turned dark. We had all of our windows open and house began to smell like a campfire. After closing the windows, I went to one of the local news websites. At the top, scrolling across in red was this notice, "Do not call 911 unless you see flames". I guess everyone in the whole city was afraid and panicked that a wildfire was in their neighborhood. That is how freaked out we all are here.

This morning I read the Jesus Calling devotional (for June 26).  A part of it reads, "Nothing takes me by surprise. I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, so long as you look to Me. I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents." For those who have lost so much, none of it was a surprise to God.

In addition, I have been listening lately to a song called, "Need You Now" by Plumb: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4. When I listen to this song, I think of our community and those that have lost so much. May we find the strength to keep breathing and may our need for God increase tenfold through these unfortunate events.

Dear Samuel, Months 51 & 52

Dear Samuel,

Mommy is super proud of you! You are such a polite little boy. I have been complimented so many times from people on how friendly and polite you are. I learn things from you everyday. You are such a great big brother. Don't get me wrong, you have your moments with Livi, but for the most part you like to include her in things and "help".

You have been playing indoor soccer at "Soccer Buddies" and you love it. Well, for some reason every time we get there, you hesitate a bit to get on the field but once you're out there, you laugh, run, and have a great time participating in the drills, etc. One day you didn't want to go out on the field so daddy bribed you with going to Culver's afterwards. It didn't take you 5 seconds before you were on that field. So now, every Saturday after soccer we all go to Culver's for lunch. 

When we started looking at houses a few weeks ago, you really got into it. You liked playing hide-n-seek with Livi whenever you guys came along to look at houses. You and Livi would go hide in a spare bedroom and wait for us to come into that room. You also really enjoyed seeing our realtor (who's name also happens to be Ben) a lot.

Oh, every night after we read books and say prayers, this has to be said as your daddy or I walk out of the room:"Night, Night; sweet dreams; love you; bye-bye;vsee you in the morning"  you repeat it as we go. It's really cute.

you are very excited about our new house with the big backyard and rocks! You are also excited that you will get a new bed (a real bed instead of just a mattress) when we get our new house in 2 weeks!


I pray you will always be a happy, healthy boy. I am so proud of you!

Love,
Mommy

Dear Olivia, Months 23 & 24

Dear Olivia,

You are now TWO!! Oh my goodness, these first 2 years went by super fast. Seems like I was just feeding you bottles and rocking you to sleep and now you are getting so much more independent.

You can now say about 50 words and are just beginning to start saying 2 - 3 word phrases. You love to help clean up. Oftentimes, I find Samuel's room a bit messy and I'll see you cleaning it for him. You are such a help.

Here are a few videos of you recently...

I'll love you forever,
Mommy

Dear Samuel, Months 49 & 50

Dear Samuel,

In February we went to DisneyWorld!! You had SO much fun! You did really well meeting all of the characters and riding rides. Your favorite rides were Star Tours at Hollywood Studios and Buzz Lightyear ride at Magic Kingdom. You rode these rides multiple times. Oh, and you really enjoyed Pirates of the Caribbean, too!

Unfortunately you had to part with Big Elmo (yes, we lost him) but you did great. I think all of the excitement and your new Disney Vinylmations helped you part with him.

I am so proud of you lately! You randomly compliment people on your own. We were so busy this past month getting our townhome on the market and you said all on your own to our stager, "I really like your scarf"! The lady commented that not even her husband says things like that. So proud of you! Never stop complimenting people! Also, with getting the house ready to go on the market, we had to remove some toys and rearrange your room. You are very particular with where you keep your belongings and I was a bit worried that you would respond in a negative way, but you proved me wrong! I am so proud that you responded so well to all of this change. You chose certain toys and stuffed animals to keep and chose to send some to storage.

I love you buddy and it is so much fun to see you explore new things & grow up! I am excited to see the man you will one day become!

Love,
Mommy

Dear Olivia, Month 22

Dearest Olivia,

Wow, what a month it has been! You had so much fun at Disney World! It has been a crazy few weeks with you, though. I was very stressed about your health most days. It started when you got a stomach bug while at Disney. Grandma Watts and I took you to an Urgent Care because you didn't stop vomitting. Then, off and on the rest of the trip you got sick. The 4 hour plane ride home was simply a nightmare - you got sick twice!  We thought it was from motion sickness, but once we were home, you still got sick.  We finally attributed it to at temporary milk intolerance so we stopped giving you milk for about a week. Just when we were ready to start giving you milk again, you got a fever and were fussy for about 4 days.  Finally on day 4 of this illness, I noticed a rash on your tummy. It was actually a relief to see that rash and know what was causing the fever (Roseola). Once the rash subsided, we gave you soy milk to to make sure your tummy could handle that before milk.  Well, you still got sick off of that after a few days - not sure if it is because you drank too much too soon or what. We finally tried skim milk since it is not so thick and so far your are doing fine with small amounts.  It has been so hard to withhold milk from you seeing as you used to have milk ALL the time!  Time will tell if this goes away or if it is permanent.

You are finally back to your normal self after being sick for about 3 weeks off and on and I am so happy! You laugh and bring such joy to our lives!

Love,
Mommy